who am i to create content?

it’s been a while since i’ve posted anything anywhere. there’s a reason for it.

not a good one. 

my main excuse was that there are more important things to do first. seems reasonable right? then i realized, admittedly pretty recently, that there was a mass of fearful, disconcerting thoughts lying just beneath the surface. who am i to create content? no one cares, no one asked, i’m not educated or eloquent enough to speak in public spaces. what if i say something wrong or irresponsible? what if i’m a bad influence? 

i’ve struggled to feel qualified to share my perspective. who am i to be heard? i’ll just be adding more noise to the internet cesspool. what’s the point?

it can be difficult to discern what’s worth sharing on social media, especially when you tell yourself that nobody cares and your content doesn’t make a difference. what qualifies as oversharing? does anything qualify as oversharing these days? all i’ve ever wanted was to share what could be helpful to someone, but how can i be sure that that intention is enough to make a difference?

i always felt that my engine, the one that’s supposed to drive me to success, was broken. i felt like it would start and stop of its own volition. what’s wrong with me? why aren’t i motivated by the prospect of fame and money? why isn’t anything lighting my fire? why aren’t i passionate about social media? i didn’t know i was lost in an undetectable, insidious kind of depression that felt to me like normal. it almost made me forget that what keeps me motivated is making a difference in people’s lives. and what’s worse, i stopped believing i was capable of it.

sometimes beliefs are so deeply held we don’t even hear them. they slip under our radar. they’re thoughts we’ve been thinking so long they become latent identities. 

there was nothing wrong with my engine, i just had a heap of damp, heavy beliefs weighing it down, making it work overtime. plus i was trying to fill it with the wrong gas. in order to go from “what’s the point?” to “this shit is important!” one has to dig deep, ask tough questions, excavate those fossil beliefs.

i watched pan’s labyrinth for the first time ever and the juxtaposition of violence and whimsy really emphasize that we gotta listen to the faun! look at how violent this world is! people need to be shining their light, trusting their imagination, innovation, what makes them special, playing their role as a white blood cell in a diseased society. we seriously need to start changing the way we think and operate here.  we need to speak out now more than ever, go against the grain with peace. just do it. just post it. just create. even if you don’t feel ready, even if you don’t feel prepared, even if it’s not with the best equipment, put it out there. we need you. if it lights your fire to help and inspire others, you’re meant to be doing it. so do it. however you can.